I Didn’t Go Last Night…

So… I didn’t go last night. I didn’t go and see The Director. We kinda talked last night and we kinda talked some more this morning. I don’t really know where we’re at. I do know this though – this is a lot of hard work and hassle for something that’s only been going on for a few weeks. What are we at? Like eight weeks? Too soon for all this drama and bullshit that’s for sure.

He said that things had ‘flat-lined’ for us since the Going-to-the-States Fight. I had basically told him if a better offer were to come along, I’d have jumped on it and to hell with him. Seeing as we had only been going out for six weeks at the time, I didn’t expect quite the reaction I got. Apparently it bugged him a lot more than I gave him credit for.

I told him he had been disinterested in me and I took a step back. It felt as if there were something or someone else more important, more interesting than me, and he would rather talk to them than me. The blue ticks, taking hours to text me back at all, barely talking…

I also told him I was sick of it being so one-sided all the time. Apparently he’d invited me over Friday night. When he said “Let’s reschedule” what he actually meant was, “I’m getting inked on Friday instead, why don’t you come over and watch? We’ll get drunk and have some crazy sex.” 

Silly me for forgetting to check my crystal ball…

He told me there was nothing / no one else taking up his time. Sometimes he’s busy and he can’t always respond but he does tend to be online all the time for business purposes. I don’t really know what his phone habits are because I’ve never seen him use his phone around me. He either leaves it in a room somewhere or in the car. He’s quite respectful that way and he gets a little annoyed when I use my phone around him. He wants my full attention which I don’t mind seeing as he’s giving me all of his.

He said he’s into me but I’ve been blowing hot and cold. I told him I liked him but his disinterest and the way he had changed hadn’t impressed me much. I wasn’t sure whether or not I could be bothered with it anymore. I called him arrogant. I probably shouldn’t have said that to him but he is! He’s so very arrogant.

He said he appreciates the stuff I’m doing for his business but I’m ‘beating him down’ about it. I am but for good reason – he’s not listening to what I say and he should be. I know what I’m doing. Fucking idiot. He doesn’t take me seriously even after I proved my worth to him. He can’t take me seriously.

He wanted to come over and pick me up. He still wanted me to go over there. Of course he did. It beats using his fleshlight doesn’t it? I blew him out. It was a shit day from start to finish and I honestly couldn’t be bothered to sexy myself up for him. He hadn’t done enough to deserve that. Quite the opposite.

It took some time but I think I’ve made him see things from my point of view. He even apologised for a lot of the things I pointed out. He hadn’t realised he was dismissing me when I was talking about things that were important to me. I’ve been honest and adult about it all now though. I told him what was bugging me and now it’s down to him to try things from a different perspective. I guess we’ll wait and see what happens. There must be something about him I really like to go through this much hassle for him. And to be honest, it must work both ways too. He could quite easily have kicked me to the kerb right now too. I’ve hardly acted rationally in certain situations. I don’t really like admitting that.

I decided to ask him outright, once and for all, how he felt about me this morning, right before he had to go to work.

“If it weren’t for the stuff I do for your business, would I still be around?”

It took him three long (ish) responses, beating around the bush before I just said, “It’s a yes or not answer. If you can’t answer it, that’s the answer.” I was getting a little sick of feeling like I was being played.

“Yes.”

Blimey.

Not that it matters of course, I’m back in the hospital tomorrow and we all know what that means. We get to find out the extent of those bad cervical cells. We also get to find out whether I’ll need them burnt off again. I’m dreading the appointment. I’ve been sick twice today already. The thought of going through all that hell again… It kinda fills me with dread. It makes my stomach flip. I’m nauseous, sweaty, shaky. I’ve gone back into my woman cave. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want to socialise. I don’t want to eat, drink, sleep. I just want to smoke. Smoke and wrap myself up like a burrito in bed. Fuck the world.

And then I remember I’m an adult now and I can’t just hide away in bed when life gets a little rough.

Keep your fingers crossed. We need a CIN1 situation here. If it’s any more than that I’m gonna need that LLETZ treatment again. I can’t bear the thought of that a second time around. Especially without my Mama Bear. I’m pulling a really sad face right now and my eyes are welling up. Time to end methinks.